Muff, I can just imagine you tonight, sitting down in an easy chair in front of a TV set, with some popcorn watching your beloved Chicago Cubs playing game 7 of the World Series!
You once told me that your grandmother started you and your siblings watching the Chicago Cubs on TV when you were very young. Apparently, you sometimes had to hang out with your grandmother in order to get fed, and while there, she instilled a love of baseball in you that lasted your entire life.
Here's an article in the New York Times about tonight's game: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/02/sports/baseball/world-series-chicago-cubs.html?_r=0
You should know that my mother, who is also a baseball fan of many years, is watching the games in your memory, and cheering for the Cubs, just as she believes you would do.
She calls me after every game and says "Muff and I cheered the Cubs on to victory!" Though she's an atheist, she believes you are right there beside her in spirit, and I sincerely hope she's right. I can't see how telling an almost 80 year old woman otherwise would do any good. Mom has always been strong willed about her beliefs.
I imagine your brothers and sister are also watching the Chicago Cubs with great glee. The Cubs haven't been in the World Series for over 70 years. There are elderly women in the stands who never thought they'd see the Cubs in the series during their lifetime.
Dear God how I wish you were still alive to see this historic moment in baseball history. I know you would have been thrilled....beyond thrilled.
Just in a side note, WP Kinsella, author of Shoeless Joe and the Iowa Baseball Confederacy, and the movie Field of Dreams, which you LOVED, died a couple of months ago. He had been so ill from several diseases, among them diabetes, that he committed physician-assisted suicide, to be out of pain and at rest. I hope that you two have met in Heaven and are having a great time talking baseball and books. Remember that I got him to sign a book of short stories for you.
I hope the Cubbies win, my amiga. Even if they don't, I know you will have rooted for them from above, just as my mom and I are rooting for them from down here.
Much love to you, my friend. I miss you so very much.
PS. An update, THE CHICAGO CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!
Way to go, Chicago! Thanks for the assist from Heaven, my amiga!
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Happy 55th Birthday, Beloved Muff
I can't get this song out of my head today, my friend. It has been 8 years since your passing, and it still feels like yesterday...the wound is still fresh.
I am everything I am because you loved me.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith cause you believed
I am everything I am because you loved me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CkKuA86Mis
You would have laughed at the sentimentality of this song, and told me of a "better" Irish tune, no doubt, one that was certainly more bloody and profound (and had at least one stanza in Gaelic), but, since you aren't here to scold me, I've taken liberties, amiga.
Forgive me.
I still miss you, and think of you all the time. I wonder if you can hear me when I talk to you, and plead for intercession on behalf of my family, beset with health and financial problems, and I wonder if you are able to talk to God about interfering in the affairs of His children. If so, I thank you for your blessing of friendship and care, and I pray that your spirit is happy and at peace.
Yesterday Ellen Gabrielleshi, from the Clarke Theater Dept was the professor/staff spotlight on Clarke's blog, and I remember you and Ellen laughing when you were helping to build sets or working on The Great Cross Country Race when we were freshmen. Ellen seemed to take to you, as a person, much like many others did during your time at Clarke, attracted to your wit and brilliant mind. She thought I was a lazy doofus, (and she was probably right), but she managed to not kill me for my many mistakes while I made my way through the theater program. Anyway, as I was reading her story I was reminded of how sympatico the two of you were, and how surprised I was that you took an English and History major instead of a theater major, like I did, because you were such a natural at so many things in the drama dept. You had no problem building sets, you learned lines swiftly and with ease and you could sew costumes and run a light or sound board without making any mistakes at all.
But then, I learned that your mother was a famed children's book author, and you came by your storyteller's abilities naturally. You were a reader and a bibliophile, and because of your love of books and stories, your entrance into the English dept made more sense the longer that I knew you. Though you were adept at helping build the stories told in the theater, your first love was the story on the printed page, bound between the covers of a book.
You used to hold "readings" where you'd read aloud from some book or other in your dorm room in Mary Fran, and there would be a crowd of people sitting on the floor or in the hallway, just come to listen to the tale you'd spun, mouths agape and minds engaged.
And then there were the "sagas" that you wrote, based on characters from movies, sports or TV shows, (or even just from your imagination) that you'd send to me to read, or you'd eventually post on online fan forums, once those became available in the 2000s. I always encouraged you to get an agent and sell a story to either a magazine or a publishing company, but you were reluctant to let your stories become something that you "had" to do for financial reasons and more stories that you did for fun and because you loved telling tales.
I found this quote today on Shelf Awareness (an email publication you would have adored):
"Authors are probably my favorite guests. Better than I thought they'd
be, but I should have realized they're all natural storytellers. Even
though a lot them have not been on television before, they're just
great. They have a mastery of language... and they're all so different.
I'm always going to be fascinated talking to people about writing
process."
--Seth Meyers host of NBC's Late Night with Seth Meyers, in an Observer interview
That explains why you were so great at theater, because your natural storytelling abilities shone through for the audience. I often told you, and it is still true, that I wish that I had half of your talent for writing and storytelling, and I wish I was as capable and strong and faithful as you became, and as you were, right to the end. You were amazing, best beloved.
Big hugs to you here below, on your birthday.
I am everything I am because you loved me.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith cause you believed
I am everything I am because you loved me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CkKuA86Mis
You would have laughed at the sentimentality of this song, and told me of a "better" Irish tune, no doubt, one that was certainly more bloody and profound (and had at least one stanza in Gaelic), but, since you aren't here to scold me, I've taken liberties, amiga.
Forgive me.
I still miss you, and think of you all the time. I wonder if you can hear me when I talk to you, and plead for intercession on behalf of my family, beset with health and financial problems, and I wonder if you are able to talk to God about interfering in the affairs of His children. If so, I thank you for your blessing of friendship and care, and I pray that your spirit is happy and at peace.
Yesterday Ellen Gabrielleshi, from the Clarke Theater Dept was the professor/staff spotlight on Clarke's blog, and I remember you and Ellen laughing when you were helping to build sets or working on The Great Cross Country Race when we were freshmen. Ellen seemed to take to you, as a person, much like many others did during your time at Clarke, attracted to your wit and brilliant mind. She thought I was a lazy doofus, (and she was probably right), but she managed to not kill me for my many mistakes while I made my way through the theater program. Anyway, as I was reading her story I was reminded of how sympatico the two of you were, and how surprised I was that you took an English and History major instead of a theater major, like I did, because you were such a natural at so many things in the drama dept. You had no problem building sets, you learned lines swiftly and with ease and you could sew costumes and run a light or sound board without making any mistakes at all.
But then, I learned that your mother was a famed children's book author, and you came by your storyteller's abilities naturally. You were a reader and a bibliophile, and because of your love of books and stories, your entrance into the English dept made more sense the longer that I knew you. Though you were adept at helping build the stories told in the theater, your first love was the story on the printed page, bound between the covers of a book.
You used to hold "readings" where you'd read aloud from some book or other in your dorm room in Mary Fran, and there would be a crowd of people sitting on the floor or in the hallway, just come to listen to the tale you'd spun, mouths agape and minds engaged.
And then there were the "sagas" that you wrote, based on characters from movies, sports or TV shows, (or even just from your imagination) that you'd send to me to read, or you'd eventually post on online fan forums, once those became available in the 2000s. I always encouraged you to get an agent and sell a story to either a magazine or a publishing company, but you were reluctant to let your stories become something that you "had" to do for financial reasons and more stories that you did for fun and because you loved telling tales.
I found this quote today on Shelf Awareness (an email publication you would have adored):
"Authors are probably my favorite guests. Better than I thought they'd
be, but I should have realized they're all natural storytellers. Even
though a lot them have not been on television before, they're just
great. They have a mastery of language... and they're all so different.
I'm always going to be fascinated talking to people about writing
process."
--Seth Meyers host of NBC's Late Night with Seth Meyers, in an Observer interview
That explains why you were so great at theater, because your natural storytelling abilities shone through for the audience. I often told you, and it is still true, that I wish that I had half of your talent for writing and storytelling, and I wish I was as capable and strong and faithful as you became, and as you were, right to the end. You were amazing, best beloved.
Big hugs to you here below, on your birthday.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Missing You A Lot Lately
For some reason, dear friend, I've been thinking about you and missing you a lot lately. It could be because I've gained so much weight and I have been having trouble breathing, and I wonder if it is all due to the CPAP machine and its widgy promise of helping me sleep better without apnea, which hasn't proven to be the reality. I have less deep sleep and more times waking up with breathing troubles than ever before. You had these same problems before passing unexpectedly of a heart attack in your sleep, and I would bet that the coroner lay the blame at the feet of your weight instead of investigating the impact that your CPAP had on your sleep and your snoring.
At any rate, I came across this tidbit from The Irish Way on Facebook, and I think you would have had a laugh with me about it had you seen it. Tomorrow (Monday) is February 29.
There are posts flying around on the internet that are suggesting that the tradition of a woman asking a man to marry her on the 29th Feb (leap year) was something that came about through a conversation between St Brigid and St Patrick, although this little snippet of 'history' didn't appear anywhere before the 19th century.
If it's true, you'd wonder how the conversation came about.
Biddy: "Paddy, I've been looking at this new Calendar and we've an extra day every four years, what are we going to do with that?"
Paddy: "Ah, don't be bothering me with that oul extra day Biddy, I've enough to be doing converting all the pagans, they're a mad bunch with their customs and beliefs, but gawd help me, the music is fantastic. I've to get up to Mayo and walk that bloody mountain before the snow settles on it!
Biddy: "ah yeah but ... we've an extra day Paddy, an EXTRA DAY!"
Paddy: "You think of something"
Biddy: "hmmm ... arragh I don't feckin know"
Paddy: "You like the animals, do something for them"
Biddy: "No, I need to do something for the women"
Paddy: "Biddy, I'm really busy girl, I've to be in Cashel next Friday"
Biddy: "Right, I need to do something for the women but make sure the men won't hate me for it, I'll think on it some more"
Later that night Biddy went and found Paddy. She couldn't wait until morning she was so excited, she got the torch and found him reading his 'to do' list and she said,
Biddy: "I have it Paddy ... what about something to do with love and courting?"
Paddy: "G'wan, where are you going with this idea"
Biddy: "And you know the way we want to stop the women having the same rights as the men?"
Paddy: "yeah?"
Biddy: "Well we could tell the women that every four years they can propose marriage to whoever they want and that way we don't have to tell them that they can't propose marriage anymore, just that they have to wait for the right time to do it"
Paddy: "Biddy, you're a genius"
And they all lived happily ever after.
Ah, my friend, it is so hard not to wonder how you are doing, wherever you are. Are you happy and free of pain? Are you watching out over your beloved family? I hope you've forgiven me my trespasses, my friend. Sleep well.
At any rate, I came across this tidbit from The Irish Way on Facebook, and I think you would have had a laugh with me about it had you seen it. Tomorrow (Monday) is February 29.
There are posts flying around on the internet that are suggesting that the tradition of a woman asking a man to marry her on the 29th Feb (leap year) was something that came about through a conversation between St Brigid and St Patrick, although this little snippet of 'history' didn't appear anywhere before the 19th century.
If it's true, you'd wonder how the conversation came about.
Biddy: "Paddy, I've been looking at this new Calendar and we've an extra day every four years, what are we going to do with that?"
Paddy: "Ah, don't be bothering me with that oul extra day Biddy, I've enough to be doing converting all the pagans, they're a mad bunch with their customs and beliefs, but gawd help me, the music is fantastic. I've to get up to Mayo and walk that bloody mountain before the snow settles on it!
Biddy: "ah yeah but ... we've an extra day Paddy, an EXTRA DAY!"
Paddy: "You think of something"
Biddy: "hmmm ... arragh I don't feckin know"
Paddy: "You like the animals, do something for them"
Biddy: "No, I need to do something for the women"
Paddy: "Biddy, I'm really busy girl, I've to be in Cashel next Friday"
Biddy: "Right, I need to do something for the women but make sure the men won't hate me for it, I'll think on it some more"
Later that night Biddy went and found Paddy. She couldn't wait until morning she was so excited, she got the torch and found him reading his 'to do' list and she said,
Biddy: "I have it Paddy ... what about something to do with love and courting?"
Paddy: "G'wan, where are you going with this idea"
Biddy: "And you know the way we want to stop the women having the same rights as the men?"
Paddy: "yeah?"
Biddy: "Well we could tell the women that every four years they can propose marriage to whoever they want and that way we don't have to tell them that they can't propose marriage anymore, just that they have to wait for the right time to do it"
Paddy: "Biddy, you're a genius"
And they all lived happily ever after.
Ah, my friend, it is so hard not to wonder how you are doing, wherever you are. Are you happy and free of pain? Are you watching out over your beloved family? I hope you've forgiven me my trespasses, my friend. Sleep well.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Happy 54th Birthday, Muff
Happy Birthday, my dear friend Muff!
You would have been 54 today, and I would have sent you a card and some kind of Irish-themed gift, plus a book or two, of course, as you and I shared a deep and abiding love of books and reading. I like to think we would have chatted over the phone, laughing and catching up. You would regale me with tales of your exploits at the Marshalltown Library and I'd catch you up on your godson Nick (you'd be shocked at how big he's gotten at age 15, already!) Oh how I miss you, best beloved. I miss your laugh, I miss your wit, I miss your kind and generous heart and your brilliant mind. Here are some poems that give me comfort, in thinking that you're just right around the corner, still waiting for a good chat and a laugh. Rest well, my friend.
Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together
is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that
we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because
I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting,
when we meet again.
Death leaves a heartache
no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory no
one can steal.
Remembered Joy
Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free!
I follow the plan God laid for me.
I saw His face, I heard His call,
I took His hand and left it all…
I could not stay another day,
To love, to laugh, to work or play;
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
And if my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss…
Ah yes, these things I, too, shall miss.
My life’s been full, I’ve savored much:
Good times, good friends, a loved-one’s touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief –
Don’t shorten yours with undue grief.
Be not burdened with tears of sorrow,
Enjoy the sunshine of the morrow.
You would have been 54 today, and I would have sent you a card and some kind of Irish-themed gift, plus a book or two, of course, as you and I shared a deep and abiding love of books and reading. I like to think we would have chatted over the phone, laughing and catching up. You would regale me with tales of your exploits at the Marshalltown Library and I'd catch you up on your godson Nick (you'd be shocked at how big he's gotten at age 15, already!) Oh how I miss you, best beloved. I miss your laugh, I miss your wit, I miss your kind and generous heart and your brilliant mind. Here are some poems that give me comfort, in thinking that you're just right around the corner, still waiting for a good chat and a laugh. Rest well, my friend.
Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together
is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that
we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because
I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting,
when we meet again.
Death leaves a heartache
no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory no
one can steal.
Remembered Joy
Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free!
I follow the plan God laid for me.
I saw His face, I heard His call,
I took His hand and left it all…
I could not stay another day,
To love, to laugh, to work or play;
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
And if my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss…
Ah yes, these things I, too, shall miss.
My life’s been full, I’ve savored much:
Good times, good friends, a loved-one’s touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief –
Don’t shorten yours with undue grief.
Be not burdened with tears of sorrow,
Enjoy the sunshine of the morrow.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Happy St Patrick's Day, 15 Years After the Ireland Trip
Happy St Patrick's Day, Muff!
I remember when we were in Ireland, 15 years ago, to celebrate St Patrick's Day in Galway, and how disappointed we were that all the pubs were full. You, typically, found a way to celebrate that was serious, by visiting the local Cathedral and going to Mass. They wouldn't allow me in because I am not Catholic, but Muff managed to talk her way in to see the chapel and pray.
In honor of today's memories, here's a song that I recently saw on the television on VH1 Classic (yes, that is a thing now, believe it or not! Most of the videos you and I watched at Clarke are now played on this channel) that was popular at Clarke because it had all these religious lyrics and talked of saying Hail Marys.
Mary's Prayer:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hqgC3W9GUIhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hqgC3W9GUI
Well, I hope you are having quite the celebration up there in heaven, my friend. God love you, and keep your soul safe. I miss you, as always.
I remember when we were in Ireland, 15 years ago, to celebrate St Patrick's Day in Galway, and how disappointed we were that all the pubs were full. You, typically, found a way to celebrate that was serious, by visiting the local Cathedral and going to Mass. They wouldn't allow me in because I am not Catholic, but Muff managed to talk her way in to see the chapel and pray.
In honor of today's memories, here's a song that I recently saw on the television on VH1 Classic (yes, that is a thing now, believe it or not! Most of the videos you and I watched at Clarke are now played on this channel) that was popular at Clarke because it had all these religious lyrics and talked of saying Hail Marys.
Mary's Prayer:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hqgC3W9GUIhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hqgC3W9GUI
| An Old Irish Blessing |
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand. |
| A Gaelic Christening Blessing |
| Dearest Father in Heaven, Bless this child and bless this day Of new beginnings. Smile upon this child And surround this child, Lord, With the soft mantle of your love. Teach this child to follow in your footsteps, And to live life in the ways of Love, faith, hope and charity. |
| A Wish for a Friend |
| Wishing you a rainbow For sunlight after showers— Miles and miles of Irish smiles For golden happy hours— Shamrocks at your doorway For luck and laughter too, And a host of friends that never ends Each day your whole life through! |
| An Irish Prayer |
| May God give you... For every storm, a rainbow, For every tear, a smile, For every care, a promise, And a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, A faithful friend to share, For every sigh, a sweet song, And an answer for each prayer. |
Well, I hope you are having quite the celebration up there in heaven, my friend. God love you, and keep your soul safe. I miss you, as always.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Happy 53rd Birthday, Best Beloved
Happy 53rd birthday, Muff!
Another year has passed, and I still miss you, though you've been gone over 5 years now.
Yesterday I went to see a movie with my friend Jenny Z, whom you would have liked a lot, had you met her, and while it was a movie based on a comic book series (X Men, Days of Future Past) I know you would have loved it, and you would have laughed and enjoyed the spectacle, the special effects and the gorgeous muscular backside of naked Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) as much as I did.
Jenny has had to move, with her husband Alex, to North Hollywood in California because the news studios have left their operations here in Seattle and removed to LA instead. She's never lived anywhere but in the Puget Sound area, and I imagine she's feeling a bit displaced and lost. Rather like you and I when we went to Clarke, and then when both of us tried to navigate our way through grad school in Cambridge, Mass. Those were lean and scary times, and I often didn't know where I'd be living the next day, or where I would get my next meal. But a nice couple named Betty and Bob King rescued me from the streets and treated me with the same kindness and compassion that they would have treated their own child. They even got me a plane ticket to Florida so I could figure out my next move. The fact that I managed to wrangle the authorities at Lesley into fronting me the money to finish my final semester and graduate is nothing short of a miracle, because I was under so many problems at the time I didn't think I would survive.
You were smart to realize that the whole Simmons gig wasn't working for you early on, and you left and went on to work your way up into a program at the community college and your dream job of working at the Marshalltown Public Library. It took you years to get there, but you succeeded at last and you were doing so well, with only one blot on the map of your life, and that was having found someone to love and marry and have a family with. I remember you crying about that over the phone to me, and wishing that you could find someone to love you, but when someone did try to get to know you and court you, you turned him away out of self loathing. Because you didn't feel that you were beautiful enough or perfect enough to deserve the love you craved, you would never accept another persons instinct to care about you, especially if they were a guy.
But I know in my heart that you were always more than worthy of love, and happiness, and that the only thing keeping you from it was yourself. I tried to tell you, time and again, that size makes no difference in the love game, that just as many guys were attracted to me when I was large as when I lost 100 pounds and looked "normal." Sex is all in the head, I discovered, and if you think you're sexy and you are open to being in a relationship and having adventures with a guy, they will instinctively know that and they will be drawn to you. Sometimes you will draw the wrong kind of guy, and sometimes you draw the right kind, depending mostly on how you feel about yourself. Learning to love myself and learning to feel sexy was a huge part in my dating and love life back when I was in my late 20s and early 30s. Learning to spot the frogs from the princes was also a big lesson, but I learned it. I was sad that you never seemed to learn that, or to appreciate how beautiful you were at every stage of your life, when you were thin and when you were a larger woman. I wish you could have known how amazing you were, how bright, how funny, how witty and wise in so many ways.
You were an awesome best friend. Truly better than I could ever have hoped for. I only wish I could have helped you learn to love yourself, and to allow others, the right others (princes, not frogs) to love you, too. But you had something that I never did, a treasure beyond price, in your large and loving family. You had brothers who adored you and a stern sister who loved and respected you, and a mother who was magical, a writer and a sage who is an amazing parent, valuing each of her children for their gifts and insights, and never abusing them as "friends" or resident marriage counselors, as my parents were wont to do. You had beautiful nieces and nephews, and you lived near your family right to the end of your days, surrounded by love. You were a member of St Henry's Church, where you had a second family to love and support you as well. It makes me feel less aggrieved when I remember that, and when I recall that BJ, your best friend and brother, was the one to find you, and to pray you home to a loving God, at whose right hand you sit, I am certain. Happy birthday, best beloved.
Another year has passed, and I still miss you, though you've been gone over 5 years now.
Yesterday I went to see a movie with my friend Jenny Z, whom you would have liked a lot, had you met her, and while it was a movie based on a comic book series (X Men, Days of Future Past) I know you would have loved it, and you would have laughed and enjoyed the spectacle, the special effects and the gorgeous muscular backside of naked Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) as much as I did.
Jenny has had to move, with her husband Alex, to North Hollywood in California because the news studios have left their operations here in Seattle and removed to LA instead. She's never lived anywhere but in the Puget Sound area, and I imagine she's feeling a bit displaced and lost. Rather like you and I when we went to Clarke, and then when both of us tried to navigate our way through grad school in Cambridge, Mass. Those were lean and scary times, and I often didn't know where I'd be living the next day, or where I would get my next meal. But a nice couple named Betty and Bob King rescued me from the streets and treated me with the same kindness and compassion that they would have treated their own child. They even got me a plane ticket to Florida so I could figure out my next move. The fact that I managed to wrangle the authorities at Lesley into fronting me the money to finish my final semester and graduate is nothing short of a miracle, because I was under so many problems at the time I didn't think I would survive.
You were smart to realize that the whole Simmons gig wasn't working for you early on, and you left and went on to work your way up into a program at the community college and your dream job of working at the Marshalltown Public Library. It took you years to get there, but you succeeded at last and you were doing so well, with only one blot on the map of your life, and that was having found someone to love and marry and have a family with. I remember you crying about that over the phone to me, and wishing that you could find someone to love you, but when someone did try to get to know you and court you, you turned him away out of self loathing. Because you didn't feel that you were beautiful enough or perfect enough to deserve the love you craved, you would never accept another persons instinct to care about you, especially if they were a guy.
But I know in my heart that you were always more than worthy of love, and happiness, and that the only thing keeping you from it was yourself. I tried to tell you, time and again, that size makes no difference in the love game, that just as many guys were attracted to me when I was large as when I lost 100 pounds and looked "normal." Sex is all in the head, I discovered, and if you think you're sexy and you are open to being in a relationship and having adventures with a guy, they will instinctively know that and they will be drawn to you. Sometimes you will draw the wrong kind of guy, and sometimes you draw the right kind, depending mostly on how you feel about yourself. Learning to love myself and learning to feel sexy was a huge part in my dating and love life back when I was in my late 20s and early 30s. Learning to spot the frogs from the princes was also a big lesson, but I learned it. I was sad that you never seemed to learn that, or to appreciate how beautiful you were at every stage of your life, when you were thin and when you were a larger woman. I wish you could have known how amazing you were, how bright, how funny, how witty and wise in so many ways.
You were an awesome best friend. Truly better than I could ever have hoped for. I only wish I could have helped you learn to love yourself, and to allow others, the right others (princes, not frogs) to love you, too. But you had something that I never did, a treasure beyond price, in your large and loving family. You had brothers who adored you and a stern sister who loved and respected you, and a mother who was magical, a writer and a sage who is an amazing parent, valuing each of her children for their gifts and insights, and never abusing them as "friends" or resident marriage counselors, as my parents were wont to do. You had beautiful nieces and nephews, and you lived near your family right to the end of your days, surrounded by love. You were a member of St Henry's Church, where you had a second family to love and support you as well. It makes me feel less aggrieved when I remember that, and when I recall that BJ, your best friend and brother, was the one to find you, and to pray you home to a loving God, at whose right hand you sit, I am certain. Happy birthday, best beloved.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Happy 52nd Birthday Muff
Dear beloved Muff,
Today would have been your 52nd birthday, had you not passed beyond the veil of tears in 2009.
I like to think I would have found a great little gift for you, probably something Celtic themed, that you would have enjoyed using. I also hope that I could find a card that would tell you how much I cherished our friendship.
Instead, today I went to a Rizzmic exercise class at the Sammamish Club out in the wilds of Issaquah, which is a town you would have liked visiting. As I huffed and puffed and danced my enormously fat body around the floor, I thought of you, and I wondered what you would have thought of Rizzmic. You had quite a bit of natural talent in dance, so I believe you would have loved it.
I dedicated my long and sweaty workout to your memory, and I hope that you know that I think of you every June 1st, and I still miss you desperately.
When I go to the 30th college reunion this year, I will, I am sure, see your face along the corridors of Mary Ben and Mary Fran dorms, in the seats of TDH, and in the stacks of the library. Though the place is much changed, the bones of Clarke are the same. I only wish that I could get them to acknowledge you with a distinguished alumni award. But I gather those are only for old rich ladies who have given millions to the college over the years. You never had the money to give, but you always contributed to many charities in Marshalltown with your time and talent. The world was certainly a better place with you in it.
While I am in Dubuque, I will try to find Marios and toast to you with some Irish drink, and I will have a great time showing Nick and Jim around my favorite town in Iowa. I will hope that you are looking down from above and enjoying my rediscovery of our Alma Mater, just as if you were there.
You liked gambling, and I believe there will be gambling on the Riverboat cruise and there will also be drinking and eating of some of that great Clarke cuisine.
I imagine that Sister Carol and Ellen G will hardly recognize me, nor will I recognize them, as they've both got white hair now, and Sister Carol is retired. I will try to see Sister Sarah McAlpin and some of the other English and History dept people for you, and I will let them know how successful you were in your chosen and long-awaited career as a librarian. I will try to check your dorm room, the end one that you shared with Mary Karl in Mary Francis Hall while I am there, and I hope to trot up to Redwing and see the TV up there, where you and I watched the birth of MTV and laughed our rumps off, swearing it would be a flash in the pan.
And I will visit the Onion (union) and have a drink in your honor, remembering our study sessions and getting drunk on beer so that I could learn to dance. It is hard to believe it was 30 years ago, already. Time has just flown by. Still, it seems like so long ago that I lost you, my friend.
Rest in peace.
Today would have been your 52nd birthday, had you not passed beyond the veil of tears in 2009.
I like to think I would have found a great little gift for you, probably something Celtic themed, that you would have enjoyed using. I also hope that I could find a card that would tell you how much I cherished our friendship.
Instead, today I went to a Rizzmic exercise class at the Sammamish Club out in the wilds of Issaquah, which is a town you would have liked visiting. As I huffed and puffed and danced my enormously fat body around the floor, I thought of you, and I wondered what you would have thought of Rizzmic. You had quite a bit of natural talent in dance, so I believe you would have loved it.
I dedicated my long and sweaty workout to your memory, and I hope that you know that I think of you every June 1st, and I still miss you desperately.
When I go to the 30th college reunion this year, I will, I am sure, see your face along the corridors of Mary Ben and Mary Fran dorms, in the seats of TDH, and in the stacks of the library. Though the place is much changed, the bones of Clarke are the same. I only wish that I could get them to acknowledge you with a distinguished alumni award. But I gather those are only for old rich ladies who have given millions to the college over the years. You never had the money to give, but you always contributed to many charities in Marshalltown with your time and talent. The world was certainly a better place with you in it.
While I am in Dubuque, I will try to find Marios and toast to you with some Irish drink, and I will have a great time showing Nick and Jim around my favorite town in Iowa. I will hope that you are looking down from above and enjoying my rediscovery of our Alma Mater, just as if you were there.
You liked gambling, and I believe there will be gambling on the Riverboat cruise and there will also be drinking and eating of some of that great Clarke cuisine.
I imagine that Sister Carol and Ellen G will hardly recognize me, nor will I recognize them, as they've both got white hair now, and Sister Carol is retired. I will try to see Sister Sarah McAlpin and some of the other English and History dept people for you, and I will let them know how successful you were in your chosen and long-awaited career as a librarian. I will try to check your dorm room, the end one that you shared with Mary Karl in Mary Francis Hall while I am there, and I hope to trot up to Redwing and see the TV up there, where you and I watched the birth of MTV and laughed our rumps off, swearing it would be a flash in the pan.
And I will visit the Onion (union) and have a drink in your honor, remembering our study sessions and getting drunk on beer so that I could learn to dance. It is hard to believe it was 30 years ago, already. Time has just flown by. Still, it seems like so long ago that I lost you, my friend.
Rest in peace.
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